An Aromantic's Bildungsroman
by Yuuki F
Summary: Sakuya is a conscientious observer to Koakuma's love, and tries to come to an understanding of her own thoughts about it.
1. Koakuma's Warmth

"Pst!"

Koakuma waved to Sakuya. It appeared that Koakuma was on break and she wanted to start their usual 'gossip corner'. Sakuya gave a quick look around before leaving her cart in the hallway for the moment and giving a thumbs up to Koakuma. In turn, she nodded, and beckoned Sakuya to follow her to their usual spot: a small alcove in the back of the grand library next to the window, with a two ordinary chairs on opposing side of a circular table.

Koakuma immediately grabbed a seat, beaming at the Sakuya standing beside her.

She hopped straight into it, "So, Sakuya, are you interested in anyone?"

"...What do you mean?"

"Oh come on! You know what I mean! Do you have any crushes on anyone?"

Sakuya had gotten this question quite often, and she never seemed to give a satisfying answer, and she had gone through almost every permutation of answering (including giving a red herring of a name, which was a bad decision in retrospect). So, she opted for the simple truth this time.

"No."

Koakuma huffed, "Oh come on, **really**?"

_Heeeere we go_, Sakuya rolled her eyes.

She gave a despondent sigh, "No."

"Well, that's alright, I bet I can guess-"

Sakuya sighed, staring at Koakuma.

"When we went into town the other day-could it be that guy..."

Koakuma began naming off a list of names, to which Sakuya maintained her same, indignant, bored stare. She was really, really getting quite bored of this game. Every time Koakuma would say a name inquisitively, she'd stare at Sakuya for some time, trying to use her face like a lie detector. Each time she would be thwarted by Sakuya's face filled with increasing amounts of anger. And, of course, upon **any** shift in muscle mass, Koakuma was take it as a "Yes."

Sakuya sighed again, she should be able to take things like this in stride, and she knew that Koakuma was just doing what she thought a friend would do, but she did not feel it today.

After straightening back up again, Sakuya decided to try to end the torture somehow.

"Why are you bringing this up again, anyways?"

Koakuma asked, "Again?"

Sakuya grimaced, "I get asked that a lot, Koakuma."

"Oh."

"So, what, you finally have someone you like or something?"

Koakuma looked away, her face flushed red.

Sakuya was caught by her cute expression, _Well, now I can understand why people ask that question so much._

She thought back to what Koakuma asked her, deciding to reflect the question back, "It's someone in town, isn't it?"

Koakuma swiveled her head to Sakuya.

Sakuya smirked, she felt a lot better knowing that Koakuma's questioning was a simple case of psychological projection, "It's a guy, isn't it?"

Koakuma was mouthing like a fish until she suddenly clasped her hands over Sakuya's mouth.

Sakuya waited patiently until Koakuma backed down, sighed, and slumped over the table.

"Yes," she mumbled.

Sakuya blinked a few times, taking it in while thinking to herself, _I am kind of surprised that it's a guy, but I don't think I'll say anything about that..._

"When we went into town the other town the other day?"

Koakuma buried her face in her hands before squeaking, "Yes."

Out of all the thoughts that could have streamed through Sakuya's head, the only one came immediately through her mouth, "Huh."

She took a seat across the small table from Koakuma, "Have you talked with him at all?"

She nodded, uncovering her face, "I went to go talk with him after we left from the tailor's the other day."

She sighed, "It was Mistress Remilia's idea, actually."

"You've talked to Lady Remilia about it?"

Koakuma nodded, "She's actually quite knowledgeable about things like this."

Sakuya was about to nod in affirmation, but her brow furrowed, remembering her own mistress' guile and devilish ways, "She didn't...manipulate anything in particular, did she?"

Koakuma shrugged, "I don't think either of us would be able to know for sure. But, aside from her counsel, I don't think so."

Sakuya relaxed a bit upon hearing that.

Koakuma ran a hand through her hair, "I suppose you'll want me to talk about him."

Sakuya wobbled her head a bit before answering, "Well, yeah."

"Oh, but it's so embarrassing to talk about."

"Well, how about just letting me know who he is."

Koakuma was in full, awkward/adorable mode, "You'd probably know him as the baker's son."

"The baker's son?"

Koakuma nodded as Sakuya managed to keep a straight face over something so stereotypical. After all, Sakuya couldn't help but think that usually in fairy-tales the protagonist would fall in love with the baker's daughter. The entire affair was shaping up to something so parochial and innocent that she couldn't help but be enraptured by it.

_The shy, reticent librarian and the baker's son,_ Sakuya smiled. It sounded far too innocent. Unreal, even.

Sakuya continued smiling, resting her chin against her fist as she leaned forward.

"Tell me about him."

Of course, Sakuya already knew about him having had to purchase supplies from there regularly for the mansion, but Koakuma nearly exploded as she related how nearly every detail normal to Sakuya became a wellspring of adoration for Koakuma. How every chance encounter Koakuma had with him turned into an adventure more believably told by Aesop than by Koakuma. Sakuya had viewed him as a rather average, level-headed boy who tended the shop and otherwise was part of the immutable background of life to her. Koakuma had seemed to transform him into some sort of superhero.

"And then he-"

Her voice trailed off before stopping completely, and with it, it almost seemed that her body went with it. As Koakuma wistfully gazed beyond the window in a stereotypical dreamy sigh, Sakuya couldn't help notice her different posture. Well, not posture precisely, but more like a very subtle shine in her eyes. A kind of soft happiness that radiated like a sunbeam playing through a windowsill.

"You really do love him, don't you?"

Without flinching or hesitating, Koakuma put down the hand she was resting her chin on, folding her hands together on the table beside her.

"Yes."

Sakuya's gaze subtly studied Koakuma even harder. She supposed that most other people would have congratulated Koakuma, or ratted her out, or advised her out of it. But out of the gambit of emotions that befall humans upon the sight of love, Sakuya just felt...intensely curious. It was as if Koakuma was tall enough to gaze through a telescope that Sakuya could not reach, but rather than look through a shorter telescope, she just wanted to hear the live action report.

She leaned forward to Koakuma, "How does it feel?"

She enunciated slowly, "Warm."

Sakuya let that sink in. She found that unconsciously her body was trying to imitate a slightly warm feeling. It was nice, but she still didn't quite understand. Moreover, she recognized now that her own interest in the incident was some manner of a projection of her own curiosity. She hadn't felt what Koakuma was feeling in the slightest, which raised interesting paradox: she wanted to ask her as much as she could, but given that she knew nothing about it, she had no idea about what to ask.

Only one question came to her mind, "Are you going to tell him?"

Without missing a beat, Koakuma shot a glance to Sakuya, "I must."


	2. Sakuya's Empathy

Sakuya found herself busily preparing dinner with the other fairies. Koakuma had left to go out to town the day before, doing what only Sakuya could guess was a very stereotypical first date. She looked out over the garden, still trying to wonder how it must be like. She still caught herself subconsciously trying to imitate the feelings that Koakuma had described to her.

But her thoughts were interrupted. The door behind her creaked, to which Sakuya cautiously put down the potato and the peeler to look behind her. It was Koakuma. Sakuya could see that she had a tightly regulated posture, almost shaking, similar to a bridge doing its best to hold up a heavy load. She had a face that was not downcast, but held up. She had eyes that were stoic, not teary or dead, but a mild strength that portrayed a vision of a life of heavy experience.

Sakuya could at least read the mood. She hushed the other fairies out, pulling out a chair for Koakuma as she closed the door behind Koakuma for her. The two sat down. Sakuya looked at Koakuma intently, but Koakuma could only gaze, for fear that the glance of any other being might crack a great dam.

She knew. Even though Sakuya held no experience personally, she had enough experience in life to of course at once knew what had happened. She also had no idea what to think or what to say. She felt completely hopeless. She was blind in a glass box, surrounded by a torrent of emotion, and she wanted so desperately to see. To see what it was that the pain that Koakuma was enduring. To understand in the slightest fraction what it was that she had been through. What could she say? She said nothing.

There was only silence between the two of them.

Koakuma's form eventually broke. Light tears rolling down her cheeks. She opened her mouth only to close it again, and then tightly close her eyes. Her fingers curled as she pushed her hands hard in to her knees. Only afterwards sobbing ever slightly.

Sakuya could not handle it anymore. She placed both her hands stacked atop one another on Koakuma's left hand.

"Koakuma, you-"

She broke down, face flopped on to the desk, crying. All guards and restraints were cut loose, suddenly, and at once. Her cognitive abilities left her entirely. Her hands gripping her hair as the table top became a mess of the standard panoply of fluids that occurred concurrently with sadness.

Sakuya just stared.

She simply had no idea how to react to the situation. She had no idea how to compensate. She was like the child searching for an adult upon seeing an injured friend. Moreover, she was surprised that...such an outburst was even possible. Such a welling of emotion for something that she felt she could not even begin to understand. Koakuma was crying about a performance on a stage that only she could see, and Sakuya was just left with wonder and envy though her face would be mistaken for a display of complete stoicism. The same face that most complimented for being "a perfect maid."

Eventually, some cerebral intelligence came back to Sakuya.

_Koakuma..._ Sakuya tenderly placed a hand on her head.

_I..._

That was the extent of her knowledge, she hung her head, _I really have no idea what you're going through._

Fortunately for Sakuya, like adults coming to a child's aid, Patchouli and Remilia entered. And (despite Koakuma being Patchouli's familiar) Remilia attended to Koakuma.

It was Patchouli who whispered in Sakuya's ear, "Come on..."

She gently pulled at Sakuya's shoulder, beckoning her to stand up and walk away, which Sakuya did, wordlessly.

An intense feeling of alienation and dissociation hit her. This was a scene in a drama or a puppet show, and the viewpoint of the stage happened to coincide with her eyes. It was just a play, and Koakuma just happened to be the name of a character in that play, and her love interest wasn't real, it too was just a character that was never actually revealed on stage. And Patchouli, the one gently escorting her out of the room, and Remilia too, they were just actors in a play. A very tragic play that Sakuya just perchance was watching.

But as they left the kitchen, and Patchouli closed the door behind them, the sound of the latch on the door caused the moment of depersonalization to flash to an end. Sakuya's gestalt switched, and she became aware of her silence and stoic posture yet again.

Sakuya looked over to Patchouli.

"What is going on?"

Patchouli gave Sakuya a half-smile. The kind of smile where the lips curl up and make all the physical characteristics of a smile, but instead convey the message of worry rather than happiness.

"That man told Koakuma that he didn't want to see her anymore."

Sakuya shook her head, "No...I mean...?"

She rifled her hand through her hair, but a latch from the door behind them interrupted her train of thought. It was Remilia and Koakuma, walking off to a more private room.

Patchouli and Sakuya watched as Koakuma walked away. They watched with such an impromptu and silent reverence that it was as though they were seeing a funeral procession.

As they turned about corner, Patchouli let loose a sigh, turning to go back to the library. Although, she noticed that Sakuya was still staring at Koakuma. She had a furrowed brow, and a look of far deeper thought than Patchouli anticipated Sakuya would have for the situation. A kind of introspective aura emanated from her in such a way that it only made Patchouli more curious. An aura that made Patchouli finally comprehend why Remilia had told her to tend to Sakuya instead of her own familiar.

She instead turned to Sakuya, "Are **you** alright, Sakuya?"

Sakuya continued to gaze off with an unfaltering posture, "I don't get it."

Patchouli twisted her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"What Koakuma is going through. I don't understand it."

Sakuya turned to Patchouli, "I must confess to you, Koakuma has confided in me the entire time."

Patchouli shrugged, "I believe we knew that, she is my familiar, after all."

Sakuya nodded, she was beginning to have quite the familiarity with Patchouli and Remilia's nigh-telepathic abilities, "Yes, well. As she related her experience, the entire time it seemed like she was crying out for sympathy more than anything. But, to be honest with you, I've had nothing close to the experiences she has had. She would tell me things...with the unwritten rule that I had experienced things similar though, and..."

Sakuya paused for words.

Patchouli finished her thoughts, "You felt a strong sense of dissociation with the world because of it."

Sakuya nodded her head, "Yeah," she released her breath slowly, pausing on that word before continuing, "But at the same time I am old enough that...I should have felt some at least physical attraction or love or what-have-you to **someone**, right?"

She bowed her head, "But I haven't. I truly haven't. And I don't know if I should be ashamed for not having felt that way, or if I am stunted and immature. Like I'm walled off from the actual world. Like I'm the only deaf person in the world."

Patchouli crossed her arms, "You think that you're losing out on a deeper connection with other people?"

Sakuya lifted up her head, "Yes, to an extent."

She retracted her hand before continuing, "You might hear other people say something like, 'You will find someone,' in response to what you just said and that might yet be true, but to be perfectly honest with you, there are some people who lack the sense of physical attraction, just as there happen to be a lot of women in Gensokyo who don't really care for Rinnosuke's kind...Koakuma apparently notwithstanding."

The two grinned at her last statement, but Sakuya took a forlorn expression again, "So, then, it really is like I'm deaf."

"I think it's more like you hear at a different frequency from other people."

Sakuya paused.

"Are you jealous?"

"You mean...do I covet Koakuma's emotions?"

Patchouli nodded.

Sakuya looked away for a moment, as if to place her thoughts momentarily on a scale to weight them, before clenching a fist to her heart, "No, I don't," she paused, momentarily surprised by her own answer, "But, if it that's powerful. If it's that great," she paused again, this time confused, "I guess I've come to wonder if...is it possible to **not** feel that?"

Patchouli shrugged, "I speak from experience Sakuya, some people do not."

Sakuya winced, "You're certainly not a romantic."

Patchouli replied, smirking slightly, "Well, you certainly sound aromantic."

Sakuya rifled a hand through her hair, a sudden realization of her self hitting her, "Really? You really think so? I mean, personally, I'm alright with that. But at the same time I can't help but feel...ashamed."

Patchouli hugged Sakuya, "Don't start down that path."

She grabbed Sakuya's hand, pulling it away from her hair before gently stroking it herself.

"We love you Sakuya, all of us here, me, Remilia, Koakuma. Don't look at the heavens so long that you forget that Eden is all around you."

Sakuya took the sweet gesture from Patchouli before awkwardly "unhugging", letting Patchouli understand that she had gotten the wrong meaning of her words.

"I understand that. What I mean is...is it bad that I **don't** covet or have what Koakuma has?"

"Her same ability for romantic love?"

"...Yes."

Patchouli shook her head, "I think the rest of the world would shout at me for saying this (Remilia especially) but no. It's not bad. It's just who you are. And you'll either have it or you won't, but I don't think that necessarily changes the value of one's life. And it's not a deafness as much as it is a different frequency. And it doesn't mean that you're preponderant to hate as I can attest. And it certainly doesn't mean that you're a bad person, Sakuya."

Sakuya shook her head, "It's weird. On the one hand, I honestly don't feel like I have an interest in it. At least, in the same way that I would have an interest in food if I were hungry, or that others seem to have when they haven't talked to anyone in a long time. But on the other hand, I still can't help but feel like I'm incredibly immature because of this.

Sakuya outstretched her palms so as to gaze upon them, "Koakuma looked so hapless, helpless, and hopeless, and not only did I have no idea what to do, but I couldn't even begin to empathize or even understand what was going on."

"It's like you have an academic or intellectual interest, but not an emotional interest in it."

"Yeah."

"Hm," Patchouli paused, "I don't think getting into a romantic relationship solely for the boon of some sort of social intelligence would be a wise thing to do. In fact, most people would take it as-"

Sakuya realized Patchouli's argument and completed her sentence, "Completely sociopathic."

Patchouli nodded, "Yeah."

"I mean, I understand that much. I can understand that Koakuma has felt great pain and great joy-"

"Then what more do you need to know?"

"Well-"

Patchouli chuckled, "I can't believe that I'd ever say this, but I think you're overthinking this Sakuya."

She stroked Sakuya's head, "If it happens, then it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. Don't worry about it. You'll have your own way of living your life, and if involves the kind of experiences that Koakuma has, then fine, and if it doesn't and you find something else, that's fine."

Sakuya took a deep breath, letting the event and what she had learned sink in.

"Lady Remilia...she didn't happen to orchestrate the entire thing, did she?"

Patchouli shook her head, "No. Besides," she stepped away from Sakuya, walking back to the library, "She doesn't particularly like facing off against an angry Sakuya."


End file.
